Seth.

Sethy...I keep waiting for that moment when I realize I wasn't thinking about you for a second. For that moment when I am sitting on facebook not looking through pictures of your handsome, beautiful face. I hate going through the "whats if's" and "why's" in my head all day long. I have to remind myself that I too have had moments of weakness. Moments when it seems nothing in life will ever be right. My moments just turned out differently. I am not angry with you, I am angry with myself. I have had your cell number in my phone for EVER, and I don't think I have ever once texted you just to say hi or I miss you. I'm so sorry! Hi Seth, I really miss you. I have to tell you how funny I think it is that Naomi Olmstead always teased you by saying you look asian, cause know all she talks about it adopting a little asian baby. I think she was secretly jealous. It's impossible for me to say the names of "the boys" without saying your name too. It's so unnatural. Every time I try I just cry.Ryan told me a story years ago that I never will forget. You took him into Daniels room while he was gone and started messing with his things. Dan got home and got mad and mom asked you if anyone went into the room with you, you said no it was just you, you got in trouble and than turned around and with tears still on your face you smiled at Ryan and gave him a thumbs up. That is honorable. One of the last times I was out visiting, you and Levi and Mark sat up with me and Annie Hammond just talking about all the things we did growing up. It was sometime after 1:00am that you somehow persuaded us to go get you food. I'm pretty sure your exact words were "hey, so you should go get me taco bell" I'm so glad we did. Even if Annie was sooo intoxicated that when we pulled up to order she practically screamed "Do you think they'll know I'm drunk?" right into the speaker. It was a good story when we got home. You must have been starving cause you inhaled whatever the heck it was I brought to you :) You're welcome, by the way. I should apologize for teasing you so much that you were gonna marry Holly Marie Madill, but honestly, she was the only girl who could put up with your crap, so I'm not going too. It seems like just yesterday I was on the phone with mom and she was yelling at you and Mike Bassett to stop wrestling. I wondered, who was this poor kid you somehow managed to trick into being your main target for abuse, aka your "best friend"? I never, ever imagined I would meet him so soon and under such circumstances. I know we will be together quicker than we can even comprehend, our life is like the morning fog--it's here a little while, then it's gone. It's so weird to think a little over a year ago I thought I would be the first one to Heaven. Even though I was only privileged enough to see you maybe once a year, life is going to be much less exciting without you in It. But maybe that's Gods plan. I know I can't wait to get to heaven now, and I'm going to work hard to be sure I get there. But don't worry, we're all gonna try and get Mikey there too ;-) I love you so much little brother.

Tomorrow :)

Tomorrow is my last fill! I am so happy to be almost done with this process. After tomorrow I will be at 700ccs, which for anyone with their own breast tissue would be gigantic, but for me, starting with nothing, it should put me between a C and a D. It really hasn't been too bad until my fill on Dec 21st. I was going to get 60ccs, but after talking to the Dr he explained that after he swaps the expanders for implants I would lose 15% of the volume I currently have. After hearing that I knew I needed to be filled more. I do not want to come out of this smaller than when I started! So I went ahead and did another 120 with plans to get 40ccs at the following appointment, just to get an even number of cc's. Anyway, after every appointment I feel pretty tight and sore, and have taken tylenol for it and tried not to hold the babies too much. This time, by the time I drove myself home I was in such excrutiating pain I was digging through my cupboards in search of the strongest pain meds I could find. I pulled out some Oxycodon and took one right away. Followed by another about an hour later, and another maybe two hours later. I didn't notice any change in my pain so I called the office and they seemed to think it was normal and to take some meds and sleep it off. I could literally not move. The only time I remember being in that much pain was when I woke up from surgery, but they were quick to pump me with pain meds. This time I could do nothing. I helt like my body was on fire from finger tips all the way up my arms and over my chest and upper back. On top of that it felt like my chest muscles were being shredded with a fork. It hurt to be touched anywhere on my body, it hurt to talk, to breath, It hurt when my heart beat. I was so unprepared and my family paid for it. The next day not only could I not get out of bed, but there was no way I could take care of the kids. I made the hubs call in to work, and laid on the couch all day long, again in total agony. It has been almost two weeks and I would say my pain level is now about a 2-3 depending on what I'm doing. So with tomorrow looming over me I am so excited to be in the waiting process for implants, but so nervous about the possibility of more pain :( I keep telling myself 40ccs will be nothing, but these expanders are already so rock hard I can't believe they will be able to add anything more. I will be asking for a prescription medication before I leave. Haha! I will take some pics tonight just in case I am in pain tomorrow and am unable to do it than!

60cc's later...

I had my first "fill" on Wednesday! I am so glad it is over with. All of the things I have had done to me over the last year and this is the thing that really made me lose sleep. HA!

I went to the Dr alone, the H was home with the kiddies. Still I walked in probably 2 minutes late. Dang construction. My Dr is great about not making you wait for a long time, I think the longest I've waited there is 5 minutes. I almost wanted to sit and try and relaxe for a minute though. I chatted with the receptionist who assured me women always think it'll be way worse than it really is. Than the awesome nurse came and got me. I walked into the instructed room and there was a little tray already set up with two band aids, a little roll of tape, and two HUGE syringes already filled with saline, just waiting to be stabbed into my chest. As soon as the nurse left me to get undressed I whipped my ipod out to take a picture. I knew I had to share this.

I took off my top and folded it and layed it on the counter, than hopped onto the table and layed down to get comfortable. I don't wait to be instructed anymore, if I have to be up there I am going to lay down. Dr H. and the nurse came back and he walked right over to me, said a quick hello and started poking and prodding my chest. He had a tiny little instrument which is used to find the magnet in the expander, thats where they have to put the needle. He made little marks with a pen and picked up one of the monsterous syringes. Than he said in a calm and sure voice, "Close your eyes, you won't want to see this"

I took a deep breath and breathed out slowly, waiting for the horrendous stab of the killer needle. I peeked one eye open. Though I could feel the needle go in, it surprisingly did NOT hurt. I relaxed a little and stared at the ceiling. I kept waiting for pain, as if it would happen any second, but still nothing. Now don't get me wrong, it was a freakishly weird sensation. I could feel the liquid filling up inside my body like a water balloon. It took probably 60 second for him to slowly push all the liquid into the first side, the second side I had even less discomfort. He pulled the needle out and looked all proud at my chest, which had grown from a prebuscent boy to a mid pubescent girl. I slowly sat up and almost gagged. Any time I bend over, or go from laying to sitting/standing I can feel the liquid in the expanders flow back and forth. I can never really tell if it feels disgusting or interesting. I go in every Wednesday for the next 6 weeks, except for the day before Thanksgiving. Dr H said if I look well this next Wednesday he will up it from 60, to 120 cc's. I'm super excited to finally have some shape in clothing! It's sad that I am enjoying the tiny shape this first fill has given me, so after the second fill I will be almost full B cup! Woo-hoo! Oh, and another thing I know you will be excited about ....Since it was such a small difference, I have decided to do one more no shirt picture. Go wild.

Saturday....

Saturday was a pretty big day for me. Not only was it my five year wedding anniversary, it also marked one full year since I shaved my head for the first time.

I love having enough hair to not have to wear a cover up! And I really think my hair cut is pretty flattering. My husband simply cannot wait until I have long hair again. I prefer to enjoy the stages.

I finally got my drains removed on Wednesday. I was scared to death of course but I could not wait to get them out no matter how much it hurt. Thankfully, and surprisingly it was not bad. When I had my mastectomys I went home with two drains on each side, and getting them removed made me almost jumping off the table from the pain. This time it was just a little clip of the stitch, followed by feeling the tube popping right out. I was literally shaking from fear before it happened, and laughing at myself afterwards. I felt so much better walking out of there with nothing attached to me! I was still, and am still super sore though. My mother in law went home and I am going to be in a bad way tomorrow just from holding my fat face little baby. Oh my goodness it hurts. Just breathing feels like I'm being stabbed in the chest still. It's like I can sharp edges of the expanders pushing against my chest. Maybe I'm just a huge whiner. I am also having quite a bit of back pain. It's probably from being so stiff all the time and trying not to move my upper body so much, but it sucks. I have appointments set up for the next six weeks to go in and start getting the expanders filled up! I'm so excited, but so nervous about that. Just thinking about a needle coming anywhere near where I hurt so badly makes me feel nauseaous. But I'm sure it wont be that bad. I'm sure, I'm sure, I'm sure. That is my mantra.

I am already liking the way things are looking. I can see where my boobs are going to be and it looks so much better than the sunken skin from my before picture. This is probably the last uncovered picture I will take of myself. Here it is....

Here are some sexy pictures to help your imagination along

I am 5 days out from my expander placement surgery and pretty much all I can say it....ouch!

The morning of surgery I got up at 5:30am, got my bag and kissed all the sleeping people in my house, than went out to the road to wait for my ride. My dear friend, who is also my pastors wife picked me up and took me to the hospital since the H was unable to get out of some work obligations. We got there around 6:00am and checked in, than went upstairs and they had me change into the awesome little surgical outfit consisting of a gown, some thigh high panty hose things and of course the super cute gray hospital socks. I was given a bed and the 50 questions, before getting the IV. I always dread the IV before surgery cause the needle is so huge, and my veins are so small! But this time they actually gave me a little shot of numbing agent, which was awesome since they ALWAYS have to poke me at least twice. I wish every other nurse had been nice enough to do that. It made the entire process so much better. I told them Vicodin made me sick so if there was anything other than that I would greatly prefer it. Dr. H came in to do the little drawing on my chest that Plastic Surgeons do and said we would begin shortly. I don't even remember being wheeled into the operating room, which is so weird since I remember it so clearly before my last surgery. The next thing I knew I was waking up in extreme pain, and I remember thinking maybe I wasn't supposed to be awake yet, and trying to fall back to sleep. But I did wake up and they gave me a little button to push which gave me pain medication. It was at least two hours before I felt any sense of pain relief. I had some weird effect from the anesthesia which made me extremely itchy, and since it hurt to move anything that just made it worse! I was extremely nauseous and when they wheeled me to my own room I really thought I was going to lose it. Once I got into a bed I tried hard to get more comfortable. I have great friends who stayed with me during my two days, which was so comforting even in my misery. I ended up getting sick several times and came down with an awful headache. I couldn't eat or drink anything without vomiting and even opening my eyes made the room spin. I laid there and was spoon fed ice until I would finally fall asleep. Finally one of the nurses said something about the pain meds I was on being an extremely powerful form of Vicodin. So that explains why I was so sick the entire time. She said that because I didn't put it down as an allergy they thought they could still give it to me safely. So lesson learned, from now it I am allergic to Vicodin. I was released on Wednesday and got home at around 5:30pm to a house full of excited babies and one happy husband. It's amazing how much those faces make me feel better. I slept pretty terribly the first night but was still so happy to be home it didn't matter. Until I tried to get out of bed, and couldn't. I ended up having to have a friend from church drive over and help me get up. Not at all humiliating. The next night I slept sitting up :) We had helpers from church at our house from 7:00am until noon, than new helpers from noon to 5:00pm. The kids had a blast and will probably be disappointed when we don't have to have people over all the time anymore. I had made meals ahead of time so we didn't need to have those brought to us. Not that we don't LOVE the cooks from our church family! But it made me feel good to have things planned a little bit.
I took my first real bath this morning and it made me feel SO good! I kept saying how I was taken by surprise the amount of pain I was still in. Don't get me wrong, I knew it would hurt, I knew I would have the draining tubes, and be sore for weeks, but I felt like I couldn't even breath sometimes, than I took the surgical bra off to bathe and realized it was WAY to small. I had places on my back where I was bleeding from the bra being so tight. Thankfully I had the one from my last surgery which was larger and it has made a world of difference in the last few hours. I see Dr. H on Monday and while I am hoping to get the tubes out I don't really think it will happen since I am still emptying quite a lot of fluid, but I will hope and pray. My mother in law gets here tomorrow so everyone is excited for that. All I have to do now is go in and get slowly filled up until the Dr thinks I'm ready for the implant swap. It will take around 4 months and each time you do get pretty sore from the stretching, so I guess Kara will either be an early walker, or Amelia will get really strong from carrying her around :-D I don't have to see my oncologist until after my reconstruction is done but he did say that pretty shortly after it's complete he wants to get rid of my ovaries. Another journey, thank God they're coming one at a time. Once I get the tubes out I will take a picture of my budding chest.

But for now, here are some fun ones. First, here's me before surgery.

Here is one of the tubes that is currently stitched into my body.

And here is the delicious fluid that is squeezed out of the bulb at the end of the tubes, once every morning and again in the evening.

You're welcome.

"Feel your boobs" month.

I can't wait until I can feel some boobs. I am having a hard time thinking of these new boobs I am going to be getting as "mine"
I really feel like mine are gone forever, and Dr H. is making me a really amazing prostetic or something. I still do self exams in the area where my boobs should be, and every little bump and lump sends me into a panic, until I figure out it's just a rib, or scar tissue. The thought of recurrence absolutely terrifies me. That has to be the most devistating thing ever.

So just to update from my last post, I think I have things taken care of as far as having help with the kids. It's going to be rough, but they will be taken care of. Women from church are going to arrive at 7:00am and stay until about 9:00am, and then be replaced by another set of women who will stay until 5pm when the hubs gets home from work. It'll only be for four days but It's going to feel like longer I'm sure. I feel so awful just sitting around while other people take over my duties of caring for my children and cleaning my home. I do feel happy that I have meals prepared and frozen though. Doesn't make me appear quite so helpless :) I have a few more I want to get done just to be ahead of the game. I'm hoping to make a miraculously quick recovery and be able to do things semi normally after just a couple weeks, but I'm not holding my breath. First of all I have never been very good at holding my breath, and secondly because I'm having those awful drainage tubes again I'm pretty sure I'll be too terrified of moving or lifting anything even if they told me to.

I have a lot of anxiety, not so much fear as my last surgery, but I still feel super horrible about leaving the kids for a two whole days and a night. They're just so little :( I just keep thinking of how many steps I have taken, and that soon this will all just be a trail of footprints behind me. So again, don't forget to feel your boobs, even if your a guy. It happens to the best of us, and the worst of us, and all those in between aren't safe either.

Ginormous Whiiiiiiiineeee

I just need to whine about a couple things for a minute here.

As my surgery draws closer I am getting more and more anxious, instead of excited like I originally was. I come from a very large family, as does my husband, yet here we are with less than two weeks until my surgery and I still have no one who will come and take care of my kids for one week until my mother in law, who is always here when we need her, is able to come.

I am so hurt and frustrated by this and as the days go by I am getting more angry about it rather then sad. My husband works a pretty demanding job and cannot get out of work the days of Oct 11-14th. I will not be able (technically "ALLOWED") to lift anything. My Dr keeps saying to keep it that way for four weeks, but being honest with myself I know for a fact that will not happen.

It wouldn't be such a big deal if it wasn't for my 8 month old. I have done this whole surgery thing before, I know some tricks. I will put the kids juice in a pitcher with a spout so I can fill up their cups without lifting the huge bottle out of the fridge, they all can get out of their beds unassisted, and I will put heavier things like peanut butter, olive oil, and milk into smaller containers. I do not need someone to take care of me. I just need someone to hold my poor little last baby, and possibly drive me to the store in emergency's. I hate that we even have to ASK our family to help! I am going to be so upset if I have to cancel and reschedule for a later date. Not only have I waited long enough, but any later and my healing process will conflict with the holidays and I will once again have to sit on the sidelines and watch like last year.

I really feel like our church is more our family than our own relatives, as they have already contacted me letting me know they will be here to help in any way they can. Not asking if they can, but telling me they will! So, there's that.

The other thing is a super whine so brace yourself. Shortly after I was diagnosed I noticed I had no pictures of me with my kids, and besides a scant few wedding pictures, I had almost none with my husband either. I hated that and promised to change it so that if things did take a turn for the worse they would have some precious pictures of all of us together. I figured now was a good time to start so after a crazy week of pulling things together we went and got our family pictures taken yesterday. The guy is so awesome and does a fantastic job. We went to an amazing park with a pond and ducks and some beautiful trees and I believe we got some great pictures. My whine? I look terrible. He posted this picture online of my family and all four of the kids are not only looking at the camera but they're smiling! My husband looks great, as is the norm, and I look like I'm trying to make a horrible face to purposely to ruin a cute picture.

Seriously, it's this bad.

(not my kids, or dog)

I'm not just being vain either, I really look horrible. I almost cried simply out of embarrassment. This picture is to perfect of everyone to not hang somewhere for all who come to our home to see. I'm just hoping there is one or two in the bunch where I look somewhat normal. Always hoping!