Seth.

Sethy...I keep waiting for that moment when I realize I wasn't thinking about you for a second. For that moment when I am sitting on facebook not looking through pictures of your handsome, beautiful face. I hate going through the "whats if's" and "why's" in my head all day long. I have to remind myself that I too have had moments of weakness. Moments when it seems nothing in life will ever be right. My moments just turned out differently. I am not angry with you, I am angry with myself. I have had your cell number in my phone for EVER, and I don't think I have ever once texted you just to say hi or I miss you. I'm so sorry! Hi Seth, I really miss you. I have to tell you how funny I think it is that Naomi Olmstead always teased you by saying you look asian, cause know all she talks about it adopting a little asian baby. I think she was secretly jealous. It's impossible for me to say the names of "the boys" without saying your name too. It's so unnatural. Every time I try I just cry.Ryan told me a story years ago that I never will forget. You took him into Daniels room while he was gone and started messing with his things. Dan got home and got mad and mom asked you if anyone went into the room with you, you said no it was just you, you got in trouble and than turned around and with tears still on your face you smiled at Ryan and gave him a thumbs up. That is honorable. One of the last times I was out visiting, you and Levi and Mark sat up with me and Annie Hammond just talking about all the things we did growing up. It was sometime after 1:00am that you somehow persuaded us to go get you food. I'm pretty sure your exact words were "hey, so you should go get me taco bell" I'm so glad we did. Even if Annie was sooo intoxicated that when we pulled up to order she practically screamed "Do you think they'll know I'm drunk?" right into the speaker. It was a good story when we got home. You must have been starving cause you inhaled whatever the heck it was I brought to you :) You're welcome, by the way. I should apologize for teasing you so much that you were gonna marry Holly Marie Madill, but honestly, she was the only girl who could put up with your crap, so I'm not going too. It seems like just yesterday I was on the phone with mom and she was yelling at you and Mike Bassett to stop wrestling. I wondered, who was this poor kid you somehow managed to trick into being your main target for abuse, aka your "best friend"? I never, ever imagined I would meet him so soon and under such circumstances. I know we will be together quicker than we can even comprehend, our life is like the morning fog--it's here a little while, then it's gone. It's so weird to think a little over a year ago I thought I would be the first one to Heaven. Even though I was only privileged enough to see you maybe once a year, life is going to be much less exciting without you in It. But maybe that's Gods plan. I know I can't wait to get to heaven now, and I'm going to work hard to be sure I get there. But don't worry, we're all gonna try and get Mikey there too ;-) I love you so much little brother.

Tomorrow :)

Tomorrow is my last fill! I am so happy to be almost done with this process. After tomorrow I will be at 700ccs, which for anyone with their own breast tissue would be gigantic, but for me, starting with nothing, it should put me between a C and a D. It really hasn't been too bad until my fill on Dec 21st. I was going to get 60ccs, but after talking to the Dr he explained that after he swaps the expanders for implants I would lose 15% of the volume I currently have. After hearing that I knew I needed to be filled more. I do not want to come out of this smaller than when I started! So I went ahead and did another 120 with plans to get 40ccs at the following appointment, just to get an even number of cc's. Anyway, after every appointment I feel pretty tight and sore, and have taken tylenol for it and tried not to hold the babies too much. This time, by the time I drove myself home I was in such excrutiating pain I was digging through my cupboards in search of the strongest pain meds I could find. I pulled out some Oxycodon and took one right away. Followed by another about an hour later, and another maybe two hours later. I didn't notice any change in my pain so I called the office and they seemed to think it was normal and to take some meds and sleep it off. I could literally not move. The only time I remember being in that much pain was when I woke up from surgery, but they were quick to pump me with pain meds. This time I could do nothing. I helt like my body was on fire from finger tips all the way up my arms and over my chest and upper back. On top of that it felt like my chest muscles were being shredded with a fork. It hurt to be touched anywhere on my body, it hurt to talk, to breath, It hurt when my heart beat. I was so unprepared and my family paid for it. The next day not only could I not get out of bed, but there was no way I could take care of the kids. I made the hubs call in to work, and laid on the couch all day long, again in total agony. It has been almost two weeks and I would say my pain level is now about a 2-3 depending on what I'm doing. So with tomorrow looming over me I am so excited to be in the waiting process for implants, but so nervous about the possibility of more pain :( I keep telling myself 40ccs will be nothing, but these expanders are already so rock hard I can't believe they will be able to add anything more. I will be asking for a prescription medication before I leave. Haha! I will take some pics tonight just in case I am in pain tomorrow and am unable to do it than!